My Guilty Life

The above picture is of my parents the winter before they got married I believe, they were in their mid twenties. I actually do look like both of them but more like my father. Of course I never knew them like this or even remotely, when I came into the world they were 18 years older and MUCH heavier. They had one child, my brother and thought they were through because my mother couldn't eat while pregnant and almost died. I was a mistake, an afterthought, a whoops if you will.

I couldn't go to sleep easily last night, no particular reason but this thought came to me then. My mother watched my kids when I was working and going to college for about 2 years off and on, not every day because sometimes my husband did and I only had night classes the last 3 months of college. She would watch them sometimes after that but I stayed @ home mostly until they went to school and then I started working outside the home again. I always felt guilty about that and nothing really against my mother (I've come to terms with all of it I think) but she encouraged the guilt. Reminded me of all she had done etc. etc. Not only watching my daughters but other things she thought I should feel badly about.

I had a rather unique 20s and 30s, I thought I sort of paid my parents back even though I had a house partly rent free and the loan of a vehicle when I needed one, as long as the trip was OK with them. LOL. I cleaned their house every Friday, washed and set my mothers hair every Friday afternoon, they were getting older and I took them to doctors appointments (I didn't work for awhile because of too many doctors appointments), went over paperwork, helped them grow the gardens they were so intent on growing, cleaned the basement when it flooded which was sometimes weekly (it still gets damp and we live on top of a hill?)and chauffeured my mother around a great deal of the time, and mowed the lawn and cooked quite a few BIG family dinners @ their house, I'm not complaining, we had a good life. We also cut 21 cords of wood per winter for two houses and a shop. My dad, my ex husband, the kids when they were older and I did the wood, mom went to the woods once and lost the pin to the tractor hitch and never went back, probably because we reminded her of it and she didn't like the outdoors. My dad became crippled because of a botched knee operation, he figured out the cartilage in his knee was gone when he JUMPED down off of a big tractor @ the age of 72. All that is neither here nor there. I think I paid my ex husband back for all the work too when I let him stay on my parents farm after the divorce and I left!! So he moves his girlfriend in and she throws away 1000's of $ worth of antiques (old spice, medicine and oil containers are worth something?) but.........

So I'm thinking about the guilt I felt in specific for my mother watching the kids, they weren't bad kids but they would get into mischief. Shall we say adventuresome? That's a good word. Then I realized my husband is only a few years younger now than my mother was when she watched the kids. He could watch a handful of them with one hand tied behind his back and watch football and take a nap to boot, he'd probably have them cooking and getting his tea too but that's not the point. He wouldn't make anyone feel guilty about it. We practically raised my second oldest step grandson for the first two years of his life, he started calling about 5 people mama. But he had a single mama (divorced) and needed us and Tate was soooo cut and he was ours no questions asked. BTW one of the last memories of my mother I have is her holding Tate, she was in a wheelchair in the nursing home and he was so quiet and good on her lap. I watched my grandkids when they came along, I never really thought about it till last night but since there are 4 of them and the oldest is 14 I'm sure I've put in much much more time than my mother did. I didn't work or I worked out of a home office or took them with me when I worked for my husband, no problems, and I wasn't going to be the continual babysitter grandma. I don't want my daughter to feel any guilt and she shouldn't, I did what I could and should have done more probably but she had a sister to help too. Now I feel guilt if I can't do things for them because I'm working. I must say when the grandkids are here you can hardly call it watching, other than feeding them and diapers when they needed them and a lap to cuddle in they didn't require much entertainment, they were GOOD kids, and that isn't just grandma talking.

So why all my guilt? I'm 51 years old and have to look @ everything from a new perspective now, a little guilt is good, I put clothes in the washer this morning and stripped the sheets from the bed because I felt I must do something even though I have a glorious 2 days off. I have to go now, need to make time because I just realized my grandchildren don't have most of their mothers children's books or mine, I have to go hunt them down in the old house if I can so I can take them over when I go to Easter dinner over there. I'm not contributing to the dinner, guilt again. So the problem wasn't my mother wanting me to feel sorry for her, it's my conditioned guilt. I know this isn't a great psychological light bulb but most cognitive theories don't seem to apply to your life until it just hits you one day, there is no need for these bad feelings, they are not good for you or the people around you.

I hope everyone has a HAPPY EASTER and maybe a little time for self examination. What are you carrying around that is a needless burden? Comments anyone?

My Day in Snowy MO

This is what I emailed my cousin this morning.

My goals for today are paying the bills that HAVE to be paid, dusting if it ever gets light, giving the dog a bath, and cleaning the leftover Christmas mess off of the dining room table and dusting and sweeping in there.

Getting dressed is high on my list of priorities right now. We here in MO are supposed to get a bunch of snow this week and for added fun and enjoyment a wintry mix, this is what it looked like from my front door a few minutes ago, road looks better than it did. That's a state highway in the distance, snow and sleet seemed to be blowing off of it because it's so cold.
Ok I did the getting dressed thing. Also have to do a load or two of laundry, fold what I did Friday on my non day off and put anti freeze in the old pickup because from the weather forecast I'll be driving it to work probably. Car does fine but if pickup goes in the ditch or hits something else it might improve it's looks?

Had an evacuation @ the Wal Mart where I work, can't say too much but it was a bomb threat evidently, that much was on the local news so I guess I can say that. I wasn't there, all went fairly smoothly, they determined it was just a threat and no bomb was present and employees were back in the store in an hour or so. I knew about it when it was going on, had to be @ work early the next morning, I called to make sure they were there. I wasn't about to go in if the store wasn't open!

My daughter surprised me last Thursday, she lives in KS, I called her about noon and casually asked what she was doing later in the day, she said she was going to go somewhere, mama intuition kicked in and I asked if she was coming home. Point blank question, she can't lie, she was going to try to surprise me @ work. It didn't work, I got off work early that day anyway but she had to tell me what was going on, other daughter was supposed to evidently find out what was going on but was busy. We sat outside Thursday evening because it was WARM, like no coat could sit outside warm. Here's a picture of her and Dispatch the Bichon and Crusoe the orphaned cat, you can read about them in my other blog, animals that give pause, also a fine picture of the kids toys or grandpas toys kids left outside and the dead plants in the planter. January in MO 60 degrees isn't unheard of but felt we HAD to sit outside and enjoy it for a bit.
So she came for a SHORT visit, we went to KC on Friday on business and then my other daughter and kids came over for a bit. We visited an office I hadn't been to for like 3-4 years in KC, I told the guy there my daughter was in for a short visit and he asked if she was home from school. She is 33 years old, she will bless that baby face soon. Everyone else went to wrestling meet for two of the grandkids but I had to work (they lost, that doesn't happen very often, Zach has gone to state two years in a row, Jacob the little one was on his mamas lap and told her he had a temperature, he meant temper cuz he lost)! Then life returned to normal after younger daughter left and it started snowing, bah humbug.

Can you tell I'm not looking forward to whatever this week is bringing as far as the weather is concerned? My cousins are in law enforcement and live next door so we all keep each other informed as to local road conditions etc. and all work different shifts so it works out well but I almost totalled a lincoln continental in the ice one year, NOT a fun thing to do!

Husband has to drive through OK @ some point this week, last time I looked @ the forecast for Oklahoma City it was freezing rain straight through till Wednesday. Lets hope it doesn't materialize! Don't know if you can see the snow flurries in the picture here but it's definitely gotten thicker, @ least it's snow now. That's the house I was raised in and my dad was raised in and some of the other buildings are ones my great grandpa built or helped build. My brother owns it now and my cousin and her husband live in it.

Hope everyone pays attention to the weather and stays safe and warm, don't forget the pets, I give mine hot water several times a day, the ones that are banned from the house per my husband, also we have 6 cats, that would be a bit much in the house. Don't feel too sorry for them, there's a log cabin full of straw in the first picture across the driveway behind the cedar tree, they don't go there unless it gets really cold but when it is cold the dogs and cats have been known to forget animosity and huddle!!
Oh and I promised myself I would forget my pride and put a picture of my dining room table on here so I would be forced to show a clean picture later which means I'd be forced to actually clean it off today and admit the holidays are OVER. I keep telling myself laziness is a sign of depression and not real laziness, I read that someplace, sometime, too lazy to remember? I remembered where my cookie sheets are now, on the dining room table, kids used them to sort puzzle pieces, there's a completed puzzle too, daughter didn't take it with her this time either did she? Basket is a fruit basket, I love baskets, thanks Deanna, paper cups and plates do have a home and it's not there.
If this guilt cleaning by posting it on the internet works maybe I could put a picture of my supposed to be spare spare room that is like a glorified closet supposed to be a place for the books with a single bed in it? The books are there and the bed is there but you can't really see the bed, the dog and cat food is inside the door, that's about what it's used for daily a closet to store the dog and cat food.

Update, 7:30 pm, life is what happens when you aren't looking. Things were going well, then I decided to take a nap. Long story short, look @ my other blog http://animalsthatgivepause.blogspot.com/ for details of my day, I did get some bills paid and laundry done, not folded and the dog still has to be bathed but here's a picture of my oldest daughter holding him after brushing, isn't he cute?